Wal-Mart Sense Isn't On Sale

» 17 Mar 2008

For those living in rural regions, the Wal-Mart serves as a center of commerce and culture. Much like the village greens of the old world, Wal-Mart provides a meeting place for the like-minded pillars of community. As one browses through camouflage clothing that serves equally well for hunting as it does for gaining social acceptance at the area schools or peruses the selection of NASCAR memorabilia, one can meet and greet all the movers and shakers of the hamlet. Discount sales of Big Mouth Billy Bass wall mountings and John Wayne posters are guaranteed to bring together the finest ladies and gentlemen. The spring time places this retail location as the center of the thriving debutante culture of the region. Suitors and suitees swarm the aisles for some of that old fashioned summer loving. Verily, this shop among shops provides for all the needs of the community in which it resides.

Wal-mart stocks everything needed to maintain a proper and culturally fulfilled existence. One can experience the diversity of the world’s cuisine in the comfort of their own home through a thousand varieties of Hamburger Helper, microwaveable burritos, and the finest DiGiorno Pizza. After an enjoyable meal the likes of which could not be replicated in any larger, morally bankrupt community, one can retire to a tastefully decorated sitting room that exudes the patriotism that can only come from having an eagle statuette with a Thomas Kinkade 9/11 with rippling American flag chiaroscuro screen printed on the wings. The soothing melodies of prima uomos like Scott Stapp of Creed and Austin Winkler of Hinder can delicately waft through one.s leisure time. The impeccable selection and wide range of goods offered by Wal-Mart is unmatched by other retailers. One can tell the quality of the establishment from the fact that it sells warm PBR, Dale Earnhardt shower curtains, and all material goods in between.

While the commercial utility of the institution cannot be understated, it serves an important — perhaps a more important even — role as the center of society. As the place to see and be seen, one sees the arbiters of fashion and trends carefully lurking around the self checkout lanes, checking people out. It is truly a place for every age. From the children stuffed five to a cart being pushed around by consummate professionals in the field of tanning, to the hormonal teenage males in their pickup trucks desperately clinging on to any shred of female affection sent their way, and the adults in their slightly better pickup trucks, Wal-mart contains representation from every race, creed, color, national origin, and societal level that the average product of our fine educational programs could imagine. To further enhance the socialization, one must intermingle with all these groups at a snail’s pace. This is the simple by-product of the legions of ambling socialites who must exert all concentration and effort on merely clearing the sides of the aisles without beaching themselves. Their single minded pursuit of inefficient locomotion is adequately offset by the depth and breadth of their conversations — which are conveniently related at volume levels that are amicable to the prospect of idle eavesdropping. The conversations cover the range of happenings at both Tunstall AND Dan River. The Wal-mart elite certainly understands the importance of being true to one’s school, even if it has not been one’s school for the better part of three decades. Without exception, these conversations are exceptionally interesting and relevant to the affairs of a grown citizen. Whether it is the smell of deer urine being used in a last ditch effort to woo the opposite sex in the fall or the feeling of the pursuit of someplace that is open after 8p.m., Wal-mart exudes the ephemeral nostalgia of a better era. Once one has experienced the Wal-mart scene in all of its infinitesimal1 glory, one cannot be satiated by lesser means.

One cannot underestimate the importance of this integral institution to this community or many others. It exists in a manner that enriches and extends the opportunities present in this delightful slice of society. It protects and shelters the surrounding citizens from unwanted experiences in the broadening of culture and knowledge. It insulates the people from the higher quality of other retailers. It ensures the status quo. It creates such a level of comfort, that referencing such a place without a well-positioned definite article elicits cries of blasphemy and heresy. The Wal-mart is the natural progression2 of this nation.s retail organizations. Wal-mart has the buying power to stock more useless stuff cheaper. The only way Wal-mart could become better is if it offered an in house payday loan office! In one-thousand years, after the moral and societal depravities that we hypocritically denounce cause the collapse of this golden era, anthropologists (and other tweed clad, effete, out-of-touch, elitist, liberal, intellectual types) will look back on the machinations of corporations like Wal-mart and finally understand it for the good that it was.